the (in)evitable ‘but’s

 

Youth & Aspirations

I want to be a musician.
I want to become a successful model.
I want to become an awesome cricketer.
I think I have quality of being a good theatre actor.
But I think am happier being a couch potato right now. I have plenty of time left to start working on my “dream”.

I am fat. I want to become slim.
I want to have an awesome ass. I want to have flat belly and zero figure!
But I don’t get time for exercise. I have quite some time for Facebook, Twitter, Instagram though. I must periodically check likes, follows and comments I have got.

I want to start a business of my interest because I think I’ll be good at it.
But I am waiting for an investor who is ready to provide huge investment for my business. I don’t believe in “Start with a small step” thing.

Nowadays I’m realizing that this is not what I really love. This is not what I wanted. I want to change my career.
But too much time has passed now. Though I’m in mid-20s, I think it’s too late.

I want to become a writer. I can be good at it. I have good perception and imagination about things and the world around me.
But there are so many writers out there in the world. Will the world care for one more? I’ll be just an iota in the sea, unnoticed forever. So I’ll just sit and follow my ultra-exciting routine.
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Fears

I feel bad that I’ve hurt people. I regret things I’ve done and words I’ve said in the past. I should really call them and say sorry.
But it’s too late to do so. I’m afraid they won’t accept the apology.

I know I’m damn right about the work I’ve done. Boss is mad about it though and not ready to accept it.
But I’m too afraid to stand up for it. I’m afraid he might fire me. I’ll put my tail in between my legs like a dog and keep listening to shit he says.
_____________________

Love

I was about to get really intimate with the person I love the most, even the person was ready.
But I am too righteous and being an Indian, I think it’s wrong to do it before marriage. What will my friends think? They’ll judge me. And I’m also sure(?) that I’ll  make sure she is the one I’ll be marrying. So I can wait.

I love the person a lot. It’s been couple of years since we are together.
But now I think I won’t be able to marry the person. Our family is too traditional and I can’t break my parents’ hearts. I don’t have courage to stand for I what I really want and love.

Kids are settled now. We’re getting old. I want to spend some good time with wife. Want to go roam around the world and visit some good places we had dreamt of in our youth.
But who will take care of the grandchildren if we aren’t around? Son and his wife will feel bad. They don’t get time because of their job. I think it’s yet another responsibility for us. We’ll find time for us later.
_____________________

Family

I want to spend some family time with parents and siblings.
But the laptop, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube the music and all have become my life. I’m addicted to them. I don’t get time for anything else.

My pet is sick since couple of days. I want to take it to a vet.
But I’m tightly glued this awesome TV series I’m currently watching.
_____________________

Parenting

I want to become a good father. Give more time to children.
But I need to constantly slog and fight for my promotion in the office. Have to work hard. Children can wait I think.

I want to be a good mother.
But I’m too short-tempered to withhold myself from beating the kid every time he/she creates some nuisance.

I just became father of baby girl. I’m happy. Wished it was a son.
But “that’s ok. Girl is good too.” There is always second chance.
_____________________

Society

I’m in my 60s. My spouse is dead. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and be deprived of love and care I deserve. I should seek a partner with same interests.
But it’s too late. What will the society say? People will start pointing fingers at me.

I love public transport. The buses, the locals and the people in them. I find them whole thing entertaining.
But I am coming to office by in C-Class since a long time. People will talk things behind my back. I can’t do it.
_____________________

The Social Thing & Humanity

I want to do some social service and give back to society. It will give me happiness and peace.
But I’ll do that when I’m in my 40s i.e. when I’m completely settled. Because I’m so sure that I’ll have time by then and also I’ll be alive.

A poor, homeless guy just slipped and fell on the side of road and he, for sure, needs a helping hand.
But, I think my “social” status is too high to do so. Also he looks so ugly, dirty and unhygienic. I’ll move on.

The girl was raped brutally and thrown on the road like a banana peel. I passed by her.
But I was too apathetic or I thought I should act like one. Because I didn’t want to get involved in unnecessary and annoying police inquiries. Also, I think I will wait for my sister to get raped. Then only my balls will be shaken.
_____________________

Life

I have failed at times.
But it was not my fault. “I think” I gave my best. Circumstances weren’t good. Luck didn’t favor me.

Life gave me lemons.
But I failed to make lemonade out of it, because I never tried to.
_____________________

Do these sound familiar to you? Or you have been through fancier versions of these?
Are you still trapped in the never ending perimeter of the ‘but’ circle?

Find a way out. Sooner the better.

i. the human.

At the end of a fine day one should have his/her own way of treating the self. So there I was. Off to the usual food center.

We call it chaupati although with as much as ditchwater for visual pleasure.

A visit to the favorite pani puri stall. Eating pani puri one by one, spilling some pani out, the consistent and usual habit of observing people around  (Starting with girls, well of course) surfaced.

No hot bod found. Moving on. Next.

A bunch of school girls eating the bhel, chit chatting,  gossiping, having and making fun, laughing out loud. Teenage spirit. (I miss my school.)

And then at the “red dragone chienes’ center” (whose stall is always bloody red, with possibly Chinese look-a-like people cooking the stuff) a group of college students were waiting for their red Chinese dish.

In a remote corner,  a couple feeding ice-cream to each other, with the genuine smiles on their faces. Affection. Love. (Oops. Miss someone?)

Then there was this little kid, walking, falling, crawling, getting up, again walking and trying to get close to his father who is busy talking on the phone.

“da-daa. I want icekreeam..”

Father stares at the kid, points the finger and successfully bypasses the incoming intrusion by directing the kid towards his mother.

She was, too, eating ice cream. The kid’s eyes glowed. He runs towards his mother with eyes full of hopes and happiness. Bumps into her. By the rule of gravity, the ice cream falls onto the ground and some on her cloths.

Slap. (Because you wasted my ice-cream)

Slap. (Because you did not ask for it gently)

Slap! (Again because you wasted my ice-cream)

She turned around. Jabbering and cursing, cleaning the spilled ice-cream on her cloths.

It was not that difficult to notice the text on her t-shirt. “Being human”

“Saaar. One more plate of pani puri? ”  “Umm-nahi”

Thinking of making a t-shirt for my pet with text “Being Animal” on it. At least she won’t have to try hard to mean it.

Disclaimer: This blog is not an attempt to intentionally hurt any mother out there or any specific Bollywood celebrity fans. Please excuse if it does.

the delight

That day, had a bad time in office. Came home, ate and didn’t know when I dozed off while watching TV. May be mom had turned on some soap on Colors channel. (Yes right, the swooshing cameras from the four sides of the screen)

Morning.

Snoring, drooling, I had slept off on the couch in the hall. Heard someone’s sobbing. Thought it’s just another dream, may be the last night’s soap effect.

But, the sobbing started appearing more real. Woke up, wiping out the drool. (Don’t Yuk it. You also do it, ask your mom)

Kalu, the lazy bitch was sleeping on another couch.

Turned around. Father was sipping his adrak-chai and weeping.

Suddenly got up and took him to me and put hands around his shoulders.

I don’t know what I felt at that moment.

“What happened papa?”

“He got tickets. He is coming back, finally. Your brother. He just called up”

Mother came out of the kitchen. Smiling.

That moment, I felt like somebody hammered me hard in the face. Something rolled upside down in my stomach. Extreme happiness and yet benumbed.

Don’t remember the last time this man had cried. Or maybe there was none. The man, never saw him shed tears.

Remembered the times when I was on the other end.  Nostalgia attack.

May you be a 4 year old child spilling the ice-cream all over your shirt or a fun loving, rude and spoilt brat of 18 or a well-settled adult of 40, you never change for your parents. You’ll always be the same kid.

Somewhere a tiny teardrop was struggling to come out of my eyes. May be this was the moment!

On a day you don’t just wake up. You wake up.